If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*puts my mental health in rice
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours