[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.