Put my back out twerking in the library again
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My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right