Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
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The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Ape together strong
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.