*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
These are too funny not to post 😂
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
The sacred texts.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.