I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
i- i did not expect this
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Everyone’s family
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???