Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
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I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Don’t tell me what to do