No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
pat pat
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.