Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
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My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes