(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
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Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.