Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Cake safety first. Always.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
What the hell is going on?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.