Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99