How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
You Might Also Like
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”