WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
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Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit