Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
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*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.