Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
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Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.