everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house