{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother