Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
SPLOOT
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Breaking news:
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.