Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
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When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault