Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
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*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
😂😂😂
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out