I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
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They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.