[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
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What
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
pat pat
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker