Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.