SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
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[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.