Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Liquor Store Parking
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
no such thing as a dumb question
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted