I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
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Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.