couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
You Might Also Like
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
crying
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf