What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
socratic questions
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.