So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
english majors be like furthermore
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
May never get over this