Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
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the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.