I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
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The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Lmbo
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
is this a threat
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.