You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
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What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.