too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar