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Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
lol
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.