angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.