I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.