Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.