You Might Also Like
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
no refunds
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight