I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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Mouse
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
peeping toms
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
estão todos miauvindo?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.