Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
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ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.