It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
You Might Also Like
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Coffee for people with no kids
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal