My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?