Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
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Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Ugh but profoundly
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.