So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
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“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
What my back needs
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
*eats only grass-fed donuts