If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
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An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Doctors texting each other.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
A collection of me turning into random objects.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Lmao the reply