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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.