You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.