According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
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My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍