[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues